Getting Rid of Mr Wrong

Having recently received an unwanted and unacceptable e-mail, I decided to write this article to provide the reader with not only a riveting read but also a provocative topic that tries to offer real solutions to problems of violence in relationships, in the shape of a concise guide that transcends traditional approaches to real or perceived danger.

Right now, as you read these words, at least one woman near you is being beaten – and now another. Within the space of a few seconds women in every corner of the world are being beaten by either their boyfriends or husbands. Unlike some violence, spousal abuse is a crime that can be avoided if we act on accurate predictions of danger.

Understanding how people evaluate personal risk may help us better understand why so many women in danger stay with their violent partners. Beaten women have been beaten so much that their fear mechanism is dulled to the point that they take in stride risks that others would consider unacceptable. The relationship between violence and death is not so apparent to them. Being struck and forced not to resist is a particularly damaging form of abuse because it trains the central instinct to protect the self, out of the victim rendering them vulnerable to further abuse. To over-ride any care for the self, a woman must begin to believe that she is not worth protecting.

Being beaten by someone we love creates a conflict between two opposing instincts. The instinct to stay and the instinct to flee. Many batterers control the money, allowing little access to financial information and book accounts. The batterer may start out as a benevolent control freak at the beginning of the relationship and then soon turns into a malevolent control freak, issuing unpredictable punishment and rewards for minor transgressions that challenge his addiction to control, social insecurities and shaky personal identity.

Children who do not learn to expect and accept love in normal, healthy ways become adults who find other ways to get it. Controlling may work for a while, even a long while, but then it begins not to work, and so he escalates his behaviour accordingly to maintain his violent grip. He will do anything to stay in control, but his girlfriend/ ex-wife is chang ing and that causes him to suffer. Men in this position need Counselling and Therapy since it is a choice on their part to continue using violence as a means of controlling others.

Just as there are physical abusers who will hurt every partner so there are serial victims – women who will select more than one violent man to share their life. Social Psychologists such as Abraham Maslow, Erich Fromm and Sigmund Freud to name just a few, viewed violence as the result of an inability to communicate personal needs effectively within reasonable  boundaries. Spousal abuse is committed by people who are frequently described as; kind, caring, sweet, charming etc. The men described so, were all of these things before and during the selection mating process and often still are – between violent battering incidents.

Could these women have seen ‘warning signs’ if they had known what to look for? Falling in love requires to some degree – a denial to see faults, frankly to ‘overlook’ danger signs. In a culture that glorifies and sugar coats romance, propelling people to get married in spite of many reasons not to, the issue of selection and choice brings to attention the valuable work of Psychologist Nathaniel Branden who believes ‘luck’ has very little to do with choice of partner.The common characteristic of a woman who continues to select against her better judgement, violent men, is the woman herself. Once she understands the reasons for her choice of partner and can change her bad choices to better choices, she can then free herself from violent relationships.

So what can a woman who is being beaten do? Seek and apply strategies that make you unavailable to your partner. Take yourself away if possible and continue to remain unavailable regardless of the inconvenience it causes you. It is wiser to get away safely than trying to change the abusing partner or engaging in an emotional war, even if the police and courts are on your side. As with other aspects of safety, the police cannot fix violent relationships.

Unwanted pursuit by ex-boyfriends/husbands may escalate their behaviour to include such things as persistent phone calls and late night text messages, showing up uninvited, stalking and enlisting/manipulating friends and family to force contact. Though he would rather get back into her life, he will accept being just a friend until he can exert his mind control again and reduce her to victim status.

The taught rule in ‘Getting rid of Mr. Wrong’ is to stop all contact. He should be explicitly rejected and no contact continued on his terms. Much depends on how much emotional investment has been made by the battering partner. If he has been beating for years and ignored warnings and interventions, then a restraining order may not be of much help, especially if he has been issuing threats and other sinister behaviour.

Because victims are understandably frustrated and angry, they may look to a court order to do any of the following things; destroy, expose, threaten, change and humiliate the violent partner. Victims can often list warning signs about men who go on to become a problem. One such victim of violence who I shall call Rita shares this story:

I dated this guy called Jason. I met him at a party of a friend of mine, and he must have asked someone there for my phone number (researching the victim). Before I even got home, he’d left me five messages (overly invested) I told him I didn’t want to go out with him, but he was so persistent about it that I really didn’t have any choice. (Men who cannot let go choose women who cannot say no). In the beginning, it was flattering, he was super attentive,  knowing what I wanted. I was amazed he remembered every word I ever said (hyper attentiveness). It made me feel special to start with and then very uncomfortable (victim intuitively feels uncomfortable). He talked about serious things like children and living together early on (whirlwind pace) and of course he monitored my every movement and didn’t like me seeing my friends (isolating her from friends).

The above is all done strategically with a clear agenda by the abusive partner. He is preparing his victim and making sure that she becomes completely dependent on him for her happiness.

Amazingly, classical stalking behaviour and the characteristics of violent partners share striking similarities. The predictability of pre-attack behaviours has been confirmed in Psychiatrist Dr. Park Dietz’s work and his violence inventory, listed below:-

1. Displayed some mental disorder

2. Researched the victim or victim

3. Created a diary, journal or record

4. Obtained a weapon

5. Displayed an exaggerated idea of self (grandiosity)

6. Exhibited random travel

7. Identifies with controlling historical characters

8. Made repeated inappropriate approaches

When it comes to survival signals, it is important that we take note of our intuitions and not turn a blind to our feelings – they might just save us from the mistake of finding Mr Wrong.

How To Avoid Relationship Faux Pas

When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself. (Deepak Chopra)

The start of a new year always brings about reflection, new ambitions and inspired action to achieve more. As a result, most will initiate diet’s, insist on physical check –up’s and tend to the maintenance of material goods. However, just as your Peugeot or Mazda is significantly easier to start, than to maintain, a lot of us tend to overlook the regular MOT that a long term relationship requires to guarantee longevity. To ensure that you won’t have to mask personality clashes or boredom as ‘irreconcilable differences’ down the line, here are some common ‘bad habits’ that may plague a flourishing relationship if not tended to.

Replace that Dressing Gown and Slippers with Some High Heels

He has seen you in the morning in your natural state, encouraged you to push during childbirth and tended to your every whim when you had flu; it is human nature to be comfortable in his presence. However, whilst familiarity can enhance your intimate connection, it can also encourage self-neglect, insecurity and loneliness. Sadly, these symptoms, (if neglected), can lead to diminished sexual attraction, impertinence, infidelity and contempt. The only way to combat this is to make that effort to devote time to each other, (and not just at the breakfast table over a coffee and paper).

Spontaneity is key and people revel in positive attention and reassurance. So whether it is a surprise text or a ‘date night,’ let them know that you value the intimate moments you share. Ditch that teddy bear gown and spice things up with something more alluring from Ann Summers. Strengthen that bond by suggesting an exhilarating activity (like a charity sky dive), or perhaps a day out devoted to something he has a passion for. Focus on your potential journey together, spicing it up with acts of pleasurable entertainment and impulsive affection!

Why Don’t We Talk Anymore?

Women hold talk groups, authors produce books and the media is infiltrated with programmes packed with advice on how to overcome this problem. Whilst it is common knowledge that communication is one of the fundamental pillars to a successful relationship, it still remains a weakness in so many partnerships. We all have the ability to talk, but the problem seems to remain in how we use it. Open displays of affection on social networks may be cute, but they can also disguise fundamental issues and difficulties. In the same way, sarcasm and raised intonations can negate ones good intention if overridden by rage.

Whilst that sense of humour might get you through the hard times, it is just as important to allocate time to discuss mutual issues. Talking is just another means of engaging that other person and giving them attention. Compliments can bring a smile, but showing an interest in your partner’s day and verbally appreciating the little things, can have a greater effect.

Priority Changes

Whether it was a new job, move of residence or the birth of a beautiful baby, we are all subjected to change. For most, it is viewed positively as a sign of growth, progression and happiness, but it can also lead to power struggles, jealously and the slow deterioration of solid foundations. Celebrity couples such as Kiefer Sutherland and Siobhan Bonnouvier have ‘blamed transition’ for their breakup, whilst the birth of a baby at a young age was listed as an added pressure to the relationship of Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson.

There is clearly a significant difference in change for the individual, as opposed to a couple. Whilst we all expect consistent progression from the first date to the proposal, we still have difficulty adapting and accepting differences when having to face challenges alongside others. Team work and really knowing your partner is important. Change brings expansion, but similar to a computer game; once you enter another stage, it is inevitable that you will encounter new and unexpected obstacles. Don’t give up, learn from your mistakes and tackle those obstacles together!

Please Can I Have Some More?

We all know what we ultimately want in life and at a young age we are told to have high aspirations and dreams of owning ridiculously expensive material goods. However, as we grow, our expectations seem to remain unrealistic.

Not content, we venture outside the box to view the relationships of others and begin that self destructive journey of wishing for more. However, just as items you buy have warnings and directions; ‘Beware of the Teaser and be realistic!’ Your rose tinted view of happiness may just be yet another facade leading to a road of resentment, infidelity and melancholy, because ultimately every relationship will be tested. The partnerships that exude longevity and strength are not the ones filled with sexual escapades and spontaneous jaunts, but the ones that have overcome difficulties and have grown together because of them.

Forgetting the Reasons Why You Fell in Love

The discarded socks and position of the toilet seat may now be a pet peeve, but how can you compare that to the heart warming smile and charismatic personality that you first fell in love with? As time elapses, certain quirks that initially attracted you, can turn to slight irritations once you get to know your other half. It is natural for boredom to set in after years of being with one person, but couples such as Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, as well as the notorious Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are testaments to the fact that it is possible to overcome and conquer. No one has the secret to a successful marriage, (as it is clear that one size does not necessarily fit all), but it is obvious that continuous nurturing, support and adaption are imperative to encourage growth together. Love and trust may be pillars, but constructively enjoying each other’s presence is what will keep them standing.

Let’s face it, most long term relationships take a completely different guise once the honeymoon period is over. Whilst the position you advertised for may have been filled, your journey together is now crammed with unexpected events and changing priorities that may challenge the foundations to the idyllic life you imagined. Don’t fall at the negativity post and accept that red card, because these are just common mistakes that can be rectified with spontaneity, endurance and a little bit of creativity.

Your family and your love must be cultivated like a garden. Time, effort, and imagination must be summoned constantly to keep any relationship flourishing and growing. (Jim Rohn)

Image reproduced from glamquotes.com

Time to Walk?

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A positive relationship can be an enhancing source of optimism, appreciation and love, however once the honeymoon period subsides and the testing period comes into play, it can also be a breeding ground for contempt, anger, depression, anxiety and unhappiness. Whilst every relationship is unique, most people would agree that it is difficult to pinpoint the defining moment when the initial period of excitement, laughter and spontaneity is replaced with a battle ground of clashing personalities, repetitive mistakes, constant criticism and confusion as to where the mutual feelings that you once shared has gone.

“A bad relationship is like standing on broken glass, if you stay it will keep hurting. If you walk away you will hurt, but eventually you will heal” – Autumn Kohler

Giving Love a Bad Name!

Take a second to focus on your circle of friends. In most cases, there is guaranteed to be at least one individual who is trapped in, what the outside world may consider to be, a poisonous relationship. They may not be the victim of physical or mental violence; their partner may not be cheating; but their general lack of zest, transformation of character, or cynical approach to other aspects of life, is a perfect indicator of when an individual’s relationship may have hit a rocky patch. Whereas we may be aware of its symptoms, (such as a lack of appetite and concentration), most people still underestimate the power of love. Placed in the wrong hands, it has the capacity to isolate and change the person you are, capability to make you act out of character and potency to leave you powerless.

Titanic Vs Unfaithful?

People are often told not to take the advice of friends or loved ones, but by default they look toward the media to find the answer to most questions, despite the fact that implied messages can emanate from two very extreme ends of the spectrum. Packing a punch in the red corner, there are valiant heroes that risk their lives to save or protect the ones they love. In effect, secretly selling the concept of love in a gift box, but failing to address the contents. Conversely, (disguised with mystery, but armed with strategy), in the blue corner, we have the ruthless villains who indulge in debauchery, abuse and even murder, to balance the comfort of home life, with the double life they crave. Very few films actually address the medium in between and for this reason, there are those who cling on to the notion that most people in relationships go through a bad patch. Once there, whether you chose to carry on Rolling in the Deep as sung by Adele, or are pushed to leave, like Angela Bassett in the film, What’s Love Got To Do With It, it is vital you consider your relationship on its own merits.

Stupid in Love?

As vocally epitomized by artists such as Beyoncé, Bon Jovi, Kelly Clarkson, Bruno Mars and so many others, a toxic relationship can lead to a loss of self, antagonistic mental games, loneliness and complete despondency. Therefore, when you come to the point where arguments over petty things are commonplace, sex is non-existent and the time you spend together is deliberately kept to a minimum; why do you stay? Staying in a bad situation out of pity, or for others will only make you resentful and remaining static out of fear will only leave you regretful in later years. The fear of being newly single may petrify you, but so should the fear of being paralysed in a miserable environment for the next fifty years!

The Car Test

Think of your relationship as a mechanically propelled vehicle. It needs fuel as power, but in absence of all the components working in unison, it will probably fail the yearly MOT. What is your fuel? If your answer is drama, arguments, telephone confrontations, or hurtful remarks to gain a reaction, you may have to check under the bonnet and refer to the manufacturer’s manual!

The ‘Story of Us’ Test

We all know that relationships change over time, but are you still compatible? Can you think back to the times you used to smile and re-enact them today to get a similar response? How does your partner make you feel?

Think back to the first time you received flowers and the emotional charge you got whilst deciding the perfect place for them. After time, they lost their aesthetic appeal when they started to wilt. Did you invest in a flower presser to preserve them, or simply throw them in the bin?

“Problems in a relationship occur because each person is concentrating on what is missing in the other person” – Wayne Dyer

The Wellbeing Test

If you were an outsider looking in, would you be your worst enemy? Balance the time you spend moaning and crying to your friends, with the uplifting conversations and nights out that you enjoy together, do they add up?

They say hindsight is a beautiful thing, but learning to listen to your intuition is an even greater gift. After you have exhausted every option, only you will know the answer.

Bringing Up The Baby Conversation

So you’ve been dating Mr Wonderful for 6 luxurious months.  It’s all hearts and flowers and looking dreamily into his eyes over the Seabass.  You think he could be the one or at the very least in the running for a long term partner.  30 is fast approaching in a few years and no-one is getting any younger, no not even Katy Perry.  Although you’re not quite over the hill in any sense of the word, it really is time to start thinking about the future and who you’re actually going to allow into it.  Gone are the days of dating boys for 6 months, a year or 2 years and not being bothered if they are in your future or not.  Getting older means not being able to afford to waste 12 months on trying to shape your boyfriend’s unambitious persona.  Or spending time at each other’s house without thinking about whether you should live together or not.

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There comes a time in a relationship at one time where your bio clock comes a knocking and you realise eggs are drying up quicker than Gandhi’s flip flop.  You might be in your mid 20’s or your mid 30’s but at sometime or another you’re going to have to ask the question ‘Do you want children or do you want to spend the rest of your days drinking Jagerbombs and holidaying to Ibiza?’.  You have a large glass of wine and wince while he ponders over what you have just said.  Trying to ask this without sounding like Kathy Bates in Misery can be pretty tough.

There’s one thing phrasing the question, the other thing is timing and when to ask the question.  Bringing it up on the second date can seem a little too intense and Jennifer Anniston alarm bells will start to ring gregariously in his head.  However wait 2 years and you’ve found out that the two of you want totally different things and are on completely different wave lengths.  2 years wasted and big years especially if you are the one who wants children.  Then you have to go through the whole dating rig moral again.  Break up, spend time getting over him, then who knows how long it will take to find another suitor.  This could be months in which case your over 30 now (considered an old mum in fertility terms) eggs are starting to become more extinct and I guess you want to be dating for about a year before you fall pregnant with the next guy perhaps?  And then there’s deciding to get married or not before having children…Ok that’s another article altogether!

It’s a very turbulent time for a woman.  We can’t all have the luxury of Charlie Chaplin lives and fathering children in our 70’s (nor would we want to!).  The best way to approach this conversation to act very casual about the whole idea and see how your man reacts.  Drop into conversation after a few months about your fictitious friend from marketing falling pregnant and see how he reacts.  Or you could have a fake pregnancy scare?  Ok maybe not…  However do not I repeat not get blind drunk and ask your boyfriend of 1 year if he wants children or not, ‘because you weren’t going to waste any more time on him if he didn’t.’ Ahem.

All of this doesn’t mean you want to have children there and then, it just means that you need to put a bit of a plan together for the future.  That’s the easy bit.  The tricky bit is broaching the conversation with skill and prestige while remaining cool and effortless about the whole thing.

Good luck ladies and may your wombs be waiting patiently!

When a Relationship Comes Between a Friendship

What’s the first rule of friendship? Never put a man before your friends. Boyfriends will come and go, true girlfriends will last forever. Girls before guys right? I remember my mother telling me as a young girl to never let a boy come in between a friendship. Making a pact all those years ago that sisterhood is where it’s at and telling your best girl that no matter what happens a boy would never come between the two of you. You’ve been friends for 10 years and you know that you two will always be there for each other. Boys come and go you tell each other but this friendship will stand the test of time against any man.

Enter Chris.  Chris is a young hot tradesman.  He’s tall, handsome, smart-ish and apparently funny.  He dresses impeccably (if you like head to toe Armani with little imagination attached to it) and says all the right things at social gatherings when we are all out.  Chris has been dating my friend Sarah for a fair few months now and they are inseparable.  They go to dinners together, the cinema, everything normal a couple do together.  Shes besotted with him, and so should I be seemingly.  So why do I dislike the man so much?

It’s all Chris this and Chris loves going to the gym at every opportunity.  Maybe Chris should stop taking so many steroids before he bursts out of that t-shirt anymore, it’s like he is auditioning for the Incredible Hulk remake.  Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.  Ok so he’s got a few guns on him and the ladies like the way he looks, but does he have to mention how many times my weight he can bench press every time we see him?

Sarah is such a bright, confident and independent woman who loves to be the centre of attention, except when Chris is around.  It’s like she hangs off of his every bicep (or should I say two headed muscle).  She has even taking up going to gym sessions with him.  After she once quoted “only run when being chased” was her motto in life, she is now working out to a 10-step programme.  Somehow every opinion she’s ever had is suddenly moulded into that new found (brain) of his.

Her once over-opinionated tongue, which once didn’t even let a guy look at her in the wrong way before she gave him a lashing, is suddenly now firmly wrapped around his (ahem) nether regions.  She now has no opinions of her own; just a carbon copy of what regurgitates out of Vin Diesel’s forearms.  My nearest and dearest buddy has been swept away by Chris.

What upsets me the most is that they have only been dating a few months and they are already arguing like they are a couple of old drunks.  I try to tell her that she should not be arguing so soon into the relationship, but of course she dismisses me with “well we don’t argue that much” and “his ex-girlfriend was a total crack pot and he’s just scared to get hurt again”.  Personally I don’t think that rehearsing your nodding dog impression is being true to yourself.

OK, so there’s nothing I can do because she’s my best friend and she is in lust for now!  Even if it is with a total haemorrhoid.  Of course when she asks me I tell her that I think he is wonderful, and then discuss with the girls what we really think and put bets on how long it will last.  This may come across as jealousy and it really isn’t (OK maybe a teeny tiny bit).

My best girl suddenly doesn’t have time for me and would rather spend her days with meathead mayhem.  Gone are the wine and X Factor evenings, and the girlie nights out drinking cocktails and singing to Kings of Leon.  They have been replaced with nights in discussing dumbbells and protein shakes.  It happens to everyone at some point I guess, I just wish it wasn’t with him…

Gym session anyone?

Image reproduced from metroactive.com

Speidi vs. Relationship Norms

What is it about this celebrity couple which has got everyone talking?  Are they playing a game with Big Brother? Are they playing a character for the show?  Or is this how they really are with each other?  Whatever it is that they are doing it at has got the nation talking.  Both Heidi and Spencer have a very interesting relationship.  The two of them are completely co-dependent on each other.  They are never more than 2 feet apart from each other, they go to the kitchen together, to the sofa together and even to the bathroom (one waits outside while the other one pee’s) and they will always, always agree with the other one.  The relationship is like they are two bodies but one thought.  It appears to be that the reason that they never argue with each other is because they project their negativity and sensitivity onto the people around them.  Instead of disagreeing or arguing with one another they will untie and project the row onto someone else in the house.  As I can only imagine is what they do when they are in the ‘real world’.  I use the term loosely as they are reality start after all.

What does it mean to be that united with your partner, to the extremity that your relationship is possibly unhealthy and obsessive?  I believe that it can be very easy at the beginning of a relationship to get wrapped up in each other and forget there is anyone else around you.  Wrapped up in your sex, cuddling and take away bubble.   Where the bedroom has now become your bedroom, kitchen and TV room.  This bubble is ok for a few months, maybe a year at a push but then it’s time to start letting the real world back in.  With friends you haven’t seen and places you forgot existed because you’ve been so wrapped up in your dream boat bubble.  Eventually most people come out of the bubble and join the real world again.

What happens when some people don’t come out of the cocoon they have built for themselves?

When Speidi, I mean Heidi proceeded to explain to the other housemates how much she loved Spencer it was very strange.  She was very overtly passionate about it, almost in tears saying he is the air she breathes and the voice in her song and all these other poetic lines she had managed to concoct.  Me and my partner where lying on the sofa together watching this, looking in complete bewilderment at each other.  It’s like yeah I love you babe, but not like that, not in a weird obsessive, umbilical cord kind of way.  Just in a normal want to share my life with you kind of way.  I think that is the different I want my boyfriend to share my life with me, that means share my family and friends.  Not BE my family and friends.

When relationships become so intertwined like that, with that kind of co-dependency it fascinates me how one will cope if the other one is not there.  If one of them was to leave the other one or one of them dies!

When people become so wrapped up in each other it always fascinates me about what will happen if the other one has had enough.  If one of them breaks up with the other on or if someone dies.  How would they cope, spending years not making a decision or barely having a thought process of their own I would imagine lead to a major breakdown Charlie Sheen style (minus the 7 gram rocks).

The flip-side of this relationship madness is that they are both incredibly in love with each other.  If it wasn’t for all the bitching and sniping behind the other housemates backs then Heidi and Spencer could really be a sweet couple.  Not a couple I’d like to hang out with.  It would just be a constant battle to make sure we were as in love with each other as they are.  Reciting Shakes sphere over our special fried rice.  If there was no one else around they would probably prefer it like that.  They had made little effort with the housemates and seemed to like it like that.  They have each other’s backs, most probably even if they secretly don’t agree with each other on things.   The two of them are happy just in each other’s company and nobody else’s.  Personally my boyfriend and I wouldn’t last 5 minutes if there was an apocalypse and we were the only remaining survivors.  No alcohol, no cigarettes and no Papa Johns.  The bubbles burst and yes John Lennon you do need more than love I’m afraid.

Just don’t tell Speidi that.

When the Honeymoon Period is Over

At what point is it that we notice that our relationship has slipped from sexy to slippers?  You and your man have been dating for a few months, maybe even a year.  Everything is new and beautiful (that includes the two of you), you and your man can’t wait for the weekends when you can go on proper dates together.  High heels and your La Perla’s for special occasions.  Weekends consist of fancy restaurants, cocktails and all the dessert you can eat!  Time is taken with your appearance, not that you need to have a full face of make up on every time you see him, but you make an effort to have your hair nice and make sure your shaved and waxed everywhere.  When you’re not being wined and dined with the hottest man in the room, you’re having weekends away together and fun days out to the zoo.  Little trinkets are exchanged and ‘I saw these and thought of you’ becomes a regular phrase.  You want to spend every moment together, oh the glorious honeymoon period!

So when do the late night rendezvous start to take a back seat?  It’s more of a gradual slope you can’t ever spot this overnight.  Bunches of Lilly’s slowly get exchanged for a packet of Jelly Tots from round the corner.  Friday nights have succumbed to a few pints and a couple of Sambuca shots round the local.  Trying to dodge any scraps with the local tools, (or each other).  It’s not even worth putting any heels on as your too scared of someone throwing Jack Daniels on them, or worse, them sticking to the floor with every instep.  One minute you’re sipping on a crisp Chardonnay with your hot man, the next it’s a warm sprite in front of EastEnders.

This isn’t anything either of you even notice until it’s too late though.  You realise that your once grey period pants have now become the norm for a Saturday night in with your man.  You realise that you’re only now shaving your legs when you can see them through your tights.  The holes in his pants are OK as long as he doesn’t wear them to try and seduce you.  And when did it become OK to break wind in front of your partner?!  You’ve become accustomed to going braless at home and living in your joggers as soon as you get in from work.  Days out and Michelin star meals are a distant memory and are only saved for birthdays and anniversaries (if you’re lucky).  A romantic meal for two is a Domino’s and a fight over the last slice.

You look at other nauseating couples in the pub whose PDA’s would give Christian Grey a run for his money.  All loved up and romantic together, you remember what the two of you used to be like; all new and exciting, snogging at every opportunity.  Life can often get in the way of romance, dates turn into just hanging out together and conversation is intermittent between advert breaks.  It’s a sad day when you put making tea before making out!

It doesn’t need to be like this boys and girls!  You’re together for a reason, because you’re in love and enjoy each others company; sometimes you just need reminding of that.  Remember the romance and cease the day!  Time to step it up boys and girls, put those La Perlas back on, iron a shirt and get out of town for a slap up meal!  Go on your worth it!

Image reproduced from eharmony.com

Infidelity: Are Men More Likely to Cheat Than Women?

Growing up in London, the heart of fashion, art and hippies, one comes to experience the taste of variety of things without ever physically or mentally intending to. It’s London. Whether you like it or not you will be exposed to an array of cultures, foods and music.

This reminds me of once when I was sitting alone in a rather cosy Costa coffee shop somewhere on Oxford Street, enjoying my Americano, hold the sugar; and reading the Daily Telegraph. Sipping away slowly and behaving as though I am interested reading the fascinating sports section, I overheard a woman. Not much older than myself, maybe in her early to mid twenties; crying into her large cappuccino with a group of tight knit girlfriends who were mollycoddling her and passing along a packet of Kleenex.


To the other beverage lovers I must have looked very interested in what I was reading, little did they know; I was trying my best to get a deep insight over why this woman crying from a table away. From what I remember she was blubbering about her long term fiancé having a physical relationship with another woman for the past year. What should she do? Should she break it off? It was ‘only’ a physical relationship not after all, not an emotional one, so should she pursue her summer wedding?

We can all sit behind out laptop screens and judge Cheryl Cole’s decision to forgive Ashley Cole; one of the most scandalous affairs to be revealed but after a lot of press coverage and support given to Cheryl; she decided to stand by her husband and forgive him. Was Cheryl’s decision a bad one?

Psychology and evolution teaches us a lot about infidelity and the major stereotype that men are more likely to take part in infidelity than women. I can break this down simply. As far as psychologists and evolutionists are concerned men are made to “spread their seed” and women are made for child birth and the upbringing of the child. This may all just be hard to digest and I can already feel the wrath of feminists as I type, but take a breather and think about it. Men are able to impregnate women continuously without a break for as long as they live.  Women on the other hand only have a certain number of eggs and a certain amount of time before menopause hits them.

What is believed is that men are more likely to take part in infidelity because they have the ability to keep impregnating women and it is wired into them that they should spread their seed. This is why men may find themselves in another woman’s bed when they know the one they love is waiting for them at home. I will throw my opinion into this and say I believe most men are helpless. It takes a lot of self control to turn down an opportunity of sleeping with another woman.

The question women see themselves asking is why is it easier to forgive a man who has had a physical affair than an emotional one? I’ve heard time and time again that a woman is able to forgive a one night stand. This works both ways; a man will much easier forgive an emotional affair than a physical one. Basic evolution theories teach us that women look for stability and wealth in a man so he can support her and their child, whereas a man will look for beauty in a woman, a woman who will give him beautiful children. If a woman comes to knowledge that her partner is having an emotional affair, all hell breaks loose. She feels threatened that he will stop taking care of her and start taking care of this other hypothetical woman instead. She will start to feel insecure and scared whereas she may be able to brush a physical relationship under the rug. A man on the other hand will break down if he comes to knowledge that another man has touched his woman’s body, how could he be sure that the child/children she has are his? Of course now we have paternity tests, but we are talking about initial reactions and thoughts.

So should Cheryl have forgiven Ashley? Or should the crying Costa Coffee girl marry her fiancé? Maybe both these women felt as though they could forgive their husband/fiancé merely because inside they felt that the cheating was only physical and doesn’t hold a threat to her or their future children.

I can type my thoughts and tell you yes they should get back with their partners, only because their partners were cheating physically, but I can’t speak for every woman. I would feel threatened if I came to knowledge my partner had an emotional relationship with another woman. Would I forgive him if it was a purely physical relationship? Yes I would. I am going to side with Cheryl and the Crying Costa girl on this one.

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