Post Break-Up – Are You Hard or Soft Centred?

The end of a meaningful relationship is one of the hardest things to cope with, as it often leaves us exposed to a Pandora’s box of emotions. Newly single, you are forced to cope with the loss of that special person, as well as the shattered hopes and dreams of your previously planned future together. Advice of how to cope is abundant; from taking the time to invest in yourself and reconnecting with friends, to assessing your options and finding that new lease of life to help fill the void. So, whilst Cheryl Cole chose to inherently focus on her career, other celebrities such as Paris Hilton, Kate Winslett and Kim Kardashian elected to invest in luxurious pampering treats and holidays abroad to help them deal with the heartache.

We all possess unique traits and characteristics, so whilst generic advice will aid the process, every break up will affect each individual in an inimitable way. Most of us accept that the majority of relationships end for a reason, but very few of us recognise the subconscious personal transformations we make as individuals, to help us cope with the hurt and heartache.

Rhianna’s ‘Good Girl Gone Bad!’

The easiest trap to fall into after a break up is to indulge in insalubrious distractions such as excessive drinking or casual sex, in an attempt to regain power, attractiveness and attention. This individual was once naive, trusting and loyal, but her inability to cope with the enormity of her emotions, exploded into a hurricane of excessive behaviour, poor decisions and a general lack of control. She will experiment with her new found freedom, unknowingly hurt others with her blasé demeanour and lose sight of boundaries. She may blame the opposite sex for her misfortunes or ineptitudes and will engage in numerous no-strings-attached encounters to fulfil her sexual needs. Not allowing herself time to heal, she opts for the quick fix and it subconsciously manifests itself into a self destructive pattern of serial dating, unfulfilling nights out and encounters. To the outside world, she is content in living for the day; secretly she is incessantly looking for the next ‘high’ to compensate for the loneliness to her detriment. Guys take heed of Lauryn Hill’s warning in her song ‘Doo Wop’ and watch out.

The Stone Queen

This female is characterised by her strong personality, substantial confidence and commonsensical way of approaching others. The very definition to Destiny’s Child’s ‘Independent woman,’ (she provides for herself and depends on no one), but may approach men with scepticism, generalise on past experience and be quick to make judgements. She enjoys the benefits of the other sex, but her emotional detachment and sometimes unobtainable expectations may make her appear aloof, unapproachable and a little intimidating. Taking a fighting stance when it comes to love, she remains in full control of the emotional wall, (she has subconsciously built), effortlessly brushing off anyone who taps into any of her weaknesses. She may cling onto the past, continuously make comparisons and subconsciously ensure that no one matches up to her idea of her ideal partner.

Often expecting the man to initiate and maintain contact, she finds it hard to be tactile, hides behind a cheeky exterior and will often play hard to get. Sadly, her success at masking her pain and fears may inevitably make her, her own worst enemy and scare of any potential suitors!

The Settler

Ruffled by the sudden change, this female will immediately seek solace in the arms of the first admirer who expresses interest, just to fill the void. Shunning the opportunity to reunite with old friends, meet new acquaintances and date others, she is blinded by the subliminal messages that convince her that she cannot be alone. The split may have caused a sudden lack of confidence and self esteem and she is anxious about the future, so she invests in the next human replacement to place her back into her comfort zone. Not giving herself time to lament over her last relationship, she jumps straight into the deep end, guided only by fear. Fear of solitude, attending functions alone and ultimately scared of being that female that Adele sings about in her song, ‘Someone Like You’! Positive distractions can open a plethora of opportunities and lift the spirit, but without standards, aspirations or purpose, they can have the converse effect. This female’s impatience and lack of self-love may make her prey to undesirables, lead to future destructive relationships and leave her unfulfilled when it comes to love!

Destiny Child’s – ‘Survivor’

Without a doubt, most people would like to fall into this category. This female has mastered the art of simply using past relationships as learning curbs and stepping stones. She takes time to focus on herself, skilfully manages unconstructive emotions and refuses to allow negative past experiences to influence, or shape her future relationships. The break up was particularly hard, but she allowed herself the recovery time needed to dissect her emotions, scrutinize past faults and make new dreams and objectives. Content in living for the day; she holds on to the hope of new love, innovative experiences and enthusiastically embraces the quest to find her soul mate. Cushioned with the support of her friends and family, she works hard and plays hard, but always has time to make eye contact with that cute man at the bar!

Letting someone go to allow for something better can be a timely, yet rewarding process. Whether you choose to build a fortress around your heart, or allow others to trample on your exposed vulnerabilities, can make a significant impact on your development and the next individual you attract. Ideally we may all want to possess the traits of the ‘Survivor,’ however individuality will dictate that most of us won’t. Remember that very few people leave relationships unscathed, but if you take Christina Aguilera’s advice by unleashing the ‘fighter’ in you and ‘trusting the voice within,’ it might make the process a lot easier!

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When It’s Time To Say Goodbye

OK so you have been together for a while, a few years perhaps and maybe you even live together.  Which will certainly make this harder than it needs to be.  The way you behave around each other isn’t what it once was.  Gone are the days of sipping Chardonnay in a posh cocktail bar.  It’s more of a case of hanging out in your pj’s on a Saturday and arguing about who has control of the remote.  Day to day living consists of pleasing yourself rather than pleasing your partner.  The mere notion of making the teas on a Sunday astounds you, seeing as ‘he never makes them for me’.  There used to be a time when you couldn’t do enough for each other.  Little notes by the bed, offering to make his favourite dinner, he’d be your personal chauffeur on a night out just so he could spend some time with you.  Simple pleasures like spending the day in the park together would be the happiest times.  Snuggling up to watch a film on a Saturday would be your idea of heaven, a few candles and a bottle of fizz to while the evening away.


Fast forward 3 years and simply being together is not enough anymore.  You argue over the most mundane duties.  You wake up and go to bed at separate times.  When it comes to backing each other’s corner you find yourself going against each other instead of sticking up for each other.  Although you are couple in the literal sense, you couldn’t be further apart if you tried.  Your mere entities living together in a house filled with nothingness.

So what keeps us holding on for so long in these dismal relationships?!  Is the mere notion of being single and back on the market that stressful that you would rather spend your days with someone you don’t even really like anymore?  Do we think that we have failed by walking away?  The real failure is hanging onto something when its already slipped through your fingers.  As this is what it comes down to, you can still love someone but not like them very much in the end.  Love them but not be in love with them.  Clinging onto to these negative relationships because we are scared of being alone, we cling onto them because we think that the relationship will change.  OK sometimes it does (but for how long does that ever last) and on the occasions that it doesn’t then you need to know when it’s time to say goodbye.


It’s time to say goodbye when you’re having more fun with other people and not each other.  When you realise that he’s never going to take your side in an argument.  When you realise that you’re not a team anymore, you just happen to be on the same side.  It’s time to say goodbye, when he tries to change you.  Or the simple fact that since you have been together you have changed so much that people don’t even recognise you anymore. (OK that’s another article altogether!).  If your favourite time of day isn’t when your man walks through the door then it’s time to close the door on the relationship!  Yes every couple argues and goes through dodgy patches, but when it’s more often than not then please for the love of god move on!  Life is too short to stay with someone when you’re only half into it.  Cut the cord, break the mould and find a new model.  You will be stronger for it.

There’s a whole world of wonderful beings out there ready to date you and treat you like a princess, I’m sure of it….

Time to Walk?


A positive relationship can be an enhancing source of optimism, appreciation and love, however once the honeymoon period subsides and the testing period comes into play, it can also be a breeding ground for contempt, anger, depression, anxiety and unhappiness. Whilst every relationship is unique, most people would agree that it is difficult to pinpoint the defining moment when the initial period of excitement, laughter and spontaneity is replaced with a battle ground of clashing personalities, repetitive mistakes, constant criticism and confusion as to where the mutual feelings that you once shared has gone.

“A bad relationship is like standing on broken glass, if you stay it will keep hurting. If you walk away you will hurt, but eventually you will heal” – Autumn Kohler

Giving Love a Bad Name!

Take a second to focus on your circle of friends. In most cases, there is guaranteed to be at least one individual who is trapped in, what the outside world may consider to be, a poisonous relationship. They may not be the victim of physical or mental violence; their partner may not be cheating; but their general lack of zest, transformation of character, or cynical approach to other aspects of life, is a perfect indicator of when an individual’s relationship may have hit a rocky patch. Whereas we may be aware of its symptoms, (such as a lack of appetite and concentration), most people still underestimate the power of love. Placed in the wrong hands, it has the capacity to isolate and change the person you are, capability to make you act out of character and potency to leave you powerless.

Titanic Vs Unfaithful?

People are often told not to take the advice of friends or loved ones, but by default they look toward the media to find the answer to most questions, despite the fact that implied messages can emanate from two very extreme ends of the spectrum. Packing a punch in the red corner, there are valiant heroes that risk their lives to save or protect the ones they love. In effect, secretly selling the concept of love in a gift box, but failing to address the contents. Conversely, (disguised with mystery, but armed with strategy), in the blue corner, we have the ruthless villains who indulge in debauchery, abuse and even murder, to balance the comfort of home life, with the double life they crave. Very few films actually address the medium in between and for this reason, there are those who cling on to the notion that most people in relationships go through a bad patch. Once there, whether you chose to carry on Rolling in the Deep as sung by Adele, or are pushed to leave, like Angela Bassett in the film, What’s Love Got To Do With It, it is vital you consider your relationship on its own merits.

Stupid in Love?

As vocally epitomized by artists such as Beyoncé, Bon Jovi, Kelly Clarkson, Bruno Mars and so many others, a toxic relationship can lead to a loss of self, antagonistic mental games, loneliness and complete despondency. Therefore, when you come to the point where arguments over petty things are commonplace, sex is non-existent and the time you spend together is deliberately kept to a minimum; why do you stay? Staying in a bad situation out of pity, or for others will only make you resentful and remaining static out of fear will only leave you regretful in later years. The fear of being newly single may petrify you, but so should the fear of being paralysed in a miserable environment for the next fifty years!

The Car Test

Think of your relationship as a mechanically propelled vehicle. It needs fuel as power, but in absence of all the components working in unison, it will probably fail the yearly MOT. What is your fuel? If your answer is drama, arguments, telephone confrontations, or hurtful remarks to gain a reaction, you may have to check under the bonnet and refer to the manufacturer’s manual!

The ‘Story of Us’ Test

We all know that relationships change over time, but are you still compatible? Can you think back to the times you used to smile and re-enact them today to get a similar response? How does your partner make you feel?

Think back to the first time you received flowers and the emotional charge you got whilst deciding the perfect place for them. After time, they lost their aesthetic appeal when they started to wilt. Did you invest in a flower presser to preserve them, or simply throw them in the bin?

“Problems in a relationship occur because each person is concentrating on what is missing in the other person” – Wayne Dyer

The Wellbeing Test

If you were an outsider looking in, would you be your worst enemy? Balance the time you spend moaning and crying to your friends, with the uplifting conversations and nights out that you enjoy together, do they add up?

They say hindsight is a beautiful thing, but learning to listen to your intuition is an even greater gift. After you have exhausted every option, only you will know the answer.

Learn Your Dating Shortcomings with WotWentWrong

How would you like me to tell you that you were terrible in bed, had halitosis worse than a crack-addicted garlic farmer and your choice in footwear was less than desirable? Didn’t think so. Now what if someone who you once dated, no matter to what extent of humiliation could do the same and do it all with your consent? Why, that’s madness! Apparently not.

Australian website, WotWentWrong, is helping the dating impaired become precariously aware of their shortcomings in all affairs amour. A free web app, you can send a former date a low-key, not stalkerish at all message to request feedback on your performance. The recipient can choose to reply with a predefined list of options or can elaborate further. I wonder if comments on one’s masochism are included in the site’s next update?!

See it in action below:

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