Is He The Right Guy For Me?

husband-wife-sadDear Sharon,

I found you while browsing Facebook. I am in a relationship with a guy a year now. We are both 23. He’s studying and I have finished education. We were really into each other but with time things have changed. He does keep me happy, takes me out, buys me things if I ask him to… but when I bring the topic of marriage, he gets agitated. He doesn’t want to talk to me about marriage. He says he can’t get married until he’s successful. Sometimes he just doesn’t speak to me, he keeps things in himself, if I am upset he leaves me as I am. My life stops but his remains the same. I can’t understand if he’s the right guy for me. He doesn’t commit saying he doesn’t want to give me false hope and he says he only wants to marry when he has made something of his life which may be in a year or a decade! I don’t know what is right and what isn’t? Shall I stay or move out? Things are getting pretty hard.

Dear Reader,

Unfortunately feelings do change after a while when you are in a relationship, especially if the newness and so called ‘honeymoon’ period starts to  wear off. This is normal, but it just means that you both might have to adapt and work a little harder to keep the sparks alive. It is good that he makes you still feel happy because it shows that he cares and is making an effort in the relationship.

Men are strange creatures sometimes and the topic of marriage can make them anxious or even worried because they then have to start thinking long-term about the future and it can put even the strongest of relationships under strain. It would seem that from what you have said he maybe wants to be in a better position to provide, which is why he is saying that he can’t marry until he is successful. A lot of men still view themselves as ‘the provider’ and as such, if they feel that they are not in a position to do this it can make them feel a little inadequate, especially if they want the best for their partner.

23 is still quite young, and although you have finished your education, he is still studying and marriage might be deemed as a distraction until he has achieved what he wants from his qualification/training. By not speaking to you sometimes might be his way of coping with things, men are not always the best in opening up emotionally and expressing how they feel, women do that also. For him to carry on with normal day-to-day things is his mechanism for staying focused. Your life shouldn’t stop when he continues to go to the gym or socialise it should be an opportunity for you to pursue your own interests and be with your friends and/or family. Having your own hobbies ensures that you are not totally dependant on just him and that he can see that your life does not just revolve around the relationship and marriage.

It might sound silly, but even when he goes out running or sees his friends take that opportunity and be strong, do something for yourself. It’s not about going out necessarily and spending money, it could be having a girls night at home, watching chick flicks, having a pamper night or just taking a magazine or good book to bed or having a long hot soak with candles and chilling. It is really important to invest some time into you and building up your self-worth and confidence.

Only you can decide if he is the right guy for you, he just sounds as though he is staying focused on his education. He is being honest by saying he cannot commit and doesn’t want to give you false hope. It doesn’t mean that when he has finished his studies and possibly pursues a career and has the success that he wants that marriage is something that he then realises he wants, but you will need to just be patient so that he doesn’t feel pressured.

You mentioned about staying or moving out? The fact that you are living together is a huge commitment and if he didn’t want you or love you then again this wouldn’t have been an option he would have taken. Sometimes when you feel insecure, women especially have this tendency of looking to marriage as a way of making things right. My advice however is that you don’t need a man to make you feel secure it’s something that you can do for yourself by being confident in the person that you are. At 23 you should be enjoying life, exploring new things, meeting new friends and not worrying about a relationship that you have to a man that obviously loves you, but is just being sensible about what his aspirations are and what he wants to make a successful future, possibly for you both.

I hope there is something in my advice that you can hopefully relate to. Just play it cool, stop with the marriage interrogation and just enjoy what you have and if you still don’t feel happy in a few months then you have to make the choice of giving up or staying and seeing what the future brings.

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About Sharon Yull

Sharon Yull is an academic, researcher, business consultant and published author of over twenty business and computing books and publications.She is qualified with a BSc, MSc, HND in Business and Finance, PGCE, Fellow of the Institute for Learning and also an Associate of the Assessors Institute. Sharon enjoys reading, swimming, outdoor pursuits, theatre, music and travelling. She is an inherent romantic always there to offer support, guidance and a shoulder to cry or laugh on.
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