I married my husband because he was handsome and sexy and I knew there was no way I should even have a shot with him – let alone a relationship. For some reason he really loved me and wanted to marry me. I didn’t want to lose him because I loved his looks, his chiselled features, his muscular body, everything. Being with him made me feel so good, when we kissed and touched he made me crazy. He was so perfect. We didn’t share anything in common but the sexual chemistry was phenomenal.
That was 10 years ago. Now we have two kids and that body I was obsessed with is gone. He has put on at least 5 stone . I get so angry at him sometimes for letting himself go. He’s such a good kind person I would never say anything but the reason I fell in love with him is gone.
I know I’m being superficial but I feel trapped. Recently I find myself looking at other men and fantasising about making love with a sexy man again. I just hate the fact that I will never have amazing sex again when it used to be so mind blowing.
I have even been thinking about my ex who was not that good looking but who was my best friend at the time. I left him for my husband and I can’t help but wonder if that was the biggest mistake of my life… giving up a quality relationship for superficial beauty now seems so stupid.
What should I do?
Thank you for sharing your dilemma with me and hopefully the advice that I give will give you food for thought.
Firstly you mentioned that initially when you first got together that you didn’t think you would have a shot with him because he was like some Adonis in your eyes. However you did, and he fell in love with you for who you were and not necessarily what you looked like.
People are attracted to others for numerous reasons and physical appearance can indeed be the most important criteria for some. If it is and something changes then as you have stated, your feelings can change also, it doesn’t make people superficial, it’s just a matter of preference.
However, for you I would argue that it could be more than just physical appearance because you have been together for 10 years and looks alone cannot really sustain that length of a relationship, there has to be something else that retains the interest.
You also mentioned that you have nothing in common, however you have two children and I imagine a lot of shared interests because of them.
There are a number of reasons why your husband may have put on weight, changes in his life, the comfort and security of being in a long term relationship, health issues maybe even matters beyond his control . He might not feel able to take control of this, so it might be a conversation you could have together if there is no explanation. If it is down to laziness then again the root of why he has changed his lifestyle and impetus to keep fit and well groomed could also be raised.
Getting angry at or with him will only make matters worse, because his self-esteem might already be quite low. This could just snowball and he might then feel like a complete failure.
You said that you couldn’t have amazing sex anymore with your husband, that is a shame because your husband probably feels the same about you as he did 10 years ago. Doing something, anything to make it amazing again might be worth considering, although I am sure you have.
You asked my advice and so here it is, you have two options – but you know this and I cannot decide your future for you.
Firstly try and get back what you had, that feeling or spark which is driven by his appearance. There are subtle ways of leading him into a healthier regime rather than getting cross with him. Consider as a family doing outdoor pursuits or hobbies which forces him to engage and be active. Consider gym membership for him as an early Christmas present with romantic treats for perseverance and losing weight – weekend away together etc.
Secondly you have to be honest with him and talk. Tell him that you feel that over the last few years he has changed and so have you. You said that he is a kind man and so talking makes sense, he will listen and hopefully act upon your concerns. If he is not willing to take on board your thoughts and concerns then you then have to decide what is best for you in the long term, and ending the relationship might be a further consideration.
I don’t understand why you would go back to your ex after 10 years? You have built up a relationship with your husband, you have a family and responsibilities. You said you feel trapped and that your ex was your best friend at the time. Surely your husband is also a friend? If looks were not important with your ex, how does that make it any different to now where you husband is not as attractive as he was initially?
I do empathise with you because being in a relationship that you cannot see a way forward in is so hard. 10 years is a long time and I doubt that the relationship has all been based on looks and aesthetics. So…. my advice would be, try and take some time away for yourself – away from your husband and children (if that’s possible) even if it is for a night and think long and hard about what you want. If you think your marriage is salvageable then go with my first proposal. If not you will need to talk to your husband, or write your feelings down in a letter for him to read and take it from there.
Do not for one minute be too hard on yourself though! People fall in love for many reasons and for you realising that things have changed, feelings have changed and you need something more is a positive recognition. Feeling trapped is not sustainable, so take some time away for yourself, make a decision and be strong.
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