Adrian Fernand – Australia’s seriously stylish agony uncle – answers your questions on life, the universe and everything. This week, Adrian has advice on how a confirmed homosexual bachelor can becomeÂ a gay cougar.
Dear Agony Uncle,
As a long-established (homosexual) bachelor who has never felt the need to compromise myself by entering into relationships, I feel I am experiencing somewhat of a mid-life crisis.Â Since meeting a dear friendâ€™s new, much younger â€˜gentleman friendâ€™ I am starting to have urges and worrying thoughts of DVD nights at home, pyjama romps and joint dinner partiesâ€¦especially with the youth in question. Your words of wisdom are keenly sought. Should I:
1. Move in for the kill;
2. Wait for the inevitable â€˜irretrievable breakdown of their relationshipâ€™, then move in for the kill;
3. Look further afield and procure one of my own; or
4. Come to my senses, shake a Bex powder down my throat and have a good lie down?
Young at Heart, Melbourne
Dear Young at Heart,
Never fear, contrary to popular belief there are still single people out there. I know; I happen to be one. Sure, the further you get along in life itâ€™s inevitable that your peer group will pair up and start prancing onto Arq like itâ€™s nobodyâ€™s business. Itâ€™s unfortunate that youâ€™ll be forced to watch from the dry dock, but thatâ€™s the choice you made when becoming a â€˜confirmed bachelorâ€™. I understand that an extra pillow or a half-size replica of Carol Channing isnâ€™t as comforting as another humanâ€™s touch, but that doesnâ€™t entitle you to become The Picture of Whorian Gay and muscle in on your friendâ€™s paramour.
Unfortunately, lovers cannot be bought in egg cartons at the supermarket like the foetuses you wish to attract, so you will have to take offensive action. Coming on strong to will have the opposite effect and drive potential suitors away, so, before you hitch your junk up and don your leopard print swimwear, give a little consideration to the stealth tactics of your animal print-clad female counterpartâ€”the cougar.
1. They always hunt in packs, so ensure that youâ€™re not the lone drunkard sipping whisky at the bar.
2. Theyâ€™re always the life of the party. Someone who has the same vim and vigour as someone significantly younger is always more attractive. Be the dominant male in your pride.
2. Theyâ€™re always ready for the kill. Have an exit strategy in place for when you need to slink off with your new-found mate. Oh, and wear your best undies.
Donâ€™t worry, youâ€™ll find what youâ€™re looking for. Rather than citing the fish/sea clichÃ©, let me quote my dear German friend and her Deutsch forbears: â€œThere are plenty of other mothers with better looking sonsâ€; just be certain theyâ€™re of legal age.
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