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Adrian Fernand – Australia’s seriously stylish agony uncle and creator of idobelieveicamewithahat.com – answers your questions on life, the universe and everything. This week, Adrian has advice on how to avoid blind date disasters!
Dear Agony Uncle, I have a friend who is perpetually trying to send me on blind dates. I know her intentions are honourable, but she has been setting me up with a string of losers. How do I get out of future dates and let her down gently? Desperate and Unfortunately Not Dateless, Shoreditch, UK
Dear Desperate and Unfortunately Not Dateless, Every single person has a yenta who insists on doing their part in the matchmaking game. Often you and your potential suitor are described as having ‘so much in common’, however, the fact that you’re both single doesn’t count as sharing interests. Now, I’ve always fancied myself a bit of a Dolly Levi and have often fantasised about entering a restaurant to a show-stopping Broadway number just like Babs: descending a red-carpeted staircase; bedazzled to within an inch of my life surrounded by effeminate wait staff whose silver-service skill is so adept their trays appear to be adhered to their hands while high kicking. Are the feathered plumes too much? Never. Unfortunately, about the only thing Babs and I have in common is her great honking proboscis and not her mellifluous voice – heredity can be so cruel.
I digress – quelle surprise! My point is I come with a stable of attractive fillies and stallions and take into consideration both parties’ interests, personalities and potential chemistry; consequently, my success rate is 100% and one fix-up has even resulted in marriage. I’m one literary rejection letter away from throwing it all in and starting my own paid dating service and giving eHarmony a run for its money. Here are the three golden rules for blind dating:
1. Pick your cupid wisely. Take into consideration who your matchmaker is. If all of their friends are dorks, chances are you’ll be going on a date with a dork. Note to self: pack pocket protector.
2. Always request photographic proof that they are not a freak. We live in a digital age so not having a photograph of their friend is no excuse. It’s the perfect way to preclude yourself from sharing supper with the Bearded Lady … unless you’re into that kind of thing.
3. Get the full run-down. Insist on knowing about prior criminal convictions, psychotic episodes, previous marriages and general social dysfunction before you leave the house.
Be sure you’re washing your hair on the night of the encounter. Tell your meddling friend that you appreciate her concern and her efforts to find you someone, but for the moment you are ‘focusing on yourself’. It might be a blatant lie and sound like you’ve been watching too much daytime television, but it’s the easy way to tell her to back off with her reject friends.
If you are still keen to meet someone from her clique, suggest you meet them in a social environment that isn’t as contrived as a one-on-one rendezvous – the pressure will be off and if it goes well, you can slink off into a dark corner and if it’s terrible, you can avoid the other party without seeming aloof. Just remember there should be no shame in being single and having a support group of our own is unnecessary – it’s called hard liquor.
Image reproduced from idobelieveicamewithahat.com
Video reproduced from YouTube / iLoveYouMeryl
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About the Author: Adrian Fernand is a writer specialising in screen, television and fiction. As the Agony Uncle for etiquette and social protocol site, I Do Believe I Came with a Hat, he responds to the quandaries facing polite society in a modern world. He has in excess of 90 pairs of shoes. Follow Adrian on Twitter @AdrianFernand