My friend came round for Sunday morning coffee last week (too early for cocktails, however you could argue that it is never too early for a Mojito).
As we sat in the garden putting the world to rights, bitching about men and discussing how insecure and totally dependent some are, and how draining some relationships can be, I had another light bulb moment. I actually felt quite empowered and very grateful that I was a woman and felt quite sorry for men. Cogs were turning at quite an alarming rate for a Sunday as I started to think – will any man ever live up to the expectation of a strong, confident, independent woman?
A large majority of women today know what they want in a man, they know what turns them on, what excites them in and out of bed. The problem is as women grow stronger; men equivocally become weaker and needier. So how does this translate – well for a man it doesn’t look good, because the stakes are higher. A woman that knows her own mind takes no prisoners, female standards have reached such a pinnacle that even Mr Grey would be inadequate.
For a single woman finding Mr Right could end up consuming almost everything that you do! It can influence what you wear, how you present yourself, your behaviour and scarily even the social circles that you move in. Finding your equal intellectually, sexually and emotionally is almost impossible and the mechanisms available to map your pathway into the arms of a 10/10 seem like tools from the dark ages.
To find ‘the one’ unless divine providence intervenes. The chance of you walking down the street, oblivious to your environment and knocking into or over the man of your dreams in reality isn’t going to happen. So let’s explore the mechanisms and options that we have.
Option One: Stick to what you know and are familiar with – translates into either dating a friend or colleague from work. Quite a safe option, you probably spend a lot of time around him, he makes you smile, you laugh at his jokes, you might have shared the odd flirtatious moment, so the ice has already been broken and the foundations set. I could, wearing either my pragmatic or down right cynical hat state ‘familiarity breeds contempt’, but I won’t!
Option Two: Put yourself out there and on there – now depending on what you are looking for in a man this could lead to a split of pathways. The first pathway which can yield positive results if you believe everything you hear and see from dating sites, is to sign up and subscribe away each moment of your spare time checking your inbox for matches and messages. You know you have friends who have the applications not just on their computers but also on their phones. They are constantly updating, editing, uploading and waiting, forever waiting for a man to judge them by how they look. Forget all the crap about matching criteria and interests and ask yourself what are you initially attracted to when you see somebody. Superficial I know, but when a man has only pictures and a resume of likes and dislikes on your profile, he is going to be looking at aesthetics.
The second pathway leads us away from the world of virtualisation and into the realms of scary reality, going out with the girls or friends in the hope that he will be there. So every weekend, maybe even some evenings after work, you apply your war paint, shimmer into your feminine armoury and spend the night propping up a bar stool or displaying your battle moves round a square foot of a dance floor. Now I would argue that this technique based on my article about the ‘art of seduction’ and games that we women play are not going to reap rewards. Looking lost and quite desperate at a bar or strutting yourself in a confined space isn’t very attractive. Trying to get noticed, does get you noticed by men, but not necessarily the man of your dreams, and certainly not for the right reasons.
Option Three: Friends with benefits or boundaries. You have to ask yourself, do you really want to be tied down, when you could be socially and sexually fulfilled by a friend(s) with benefits/boundaries? Think of the positives – you get your dinner dates, cinema nights, cultural events, social occasions and you get to sleep together, no hang-ups, no jealousy, no emotional ties, no …… what a load of crap! Have you never heard of the expression ‘cake and eat it’! Yes for a man it’s a win-win situation they get sex with no effort, but what do you get – self-worth?
Are there more options, I am sure in our desperation to find the perfect match us women have gone to hell and back to pursue every possible mechanism available to attract, charm and seduce the mind and heart of a man. Which brings me back to my girly conversation on Sunday …… why? Why do we put ourselves through this, why do we let men make us feel insecure in ourselves and in the way we look and feel? Why do we change into a person that we think is more vivacious or desirable than the person we are?
Yes I have been there, done that, been made to feel everything is my fault and that I am not worthy. That I should try harder, be more understanding, giving, emphatic and speak Danish (don’t ask!) But you know what if you are with somebody where you give more than 50% and they are happy to take everything up to 100%, just stop and ask yourself why?
Why live a life shackled to a computer, waiting for the right match or every Saturday night propped against a bar stool watching and waiting? If you want sex, have it but don’t package it up with a ‘friends with benefits’ ribbon.
So what happens now if we strip away the options and stand still on the pathways?
This is what happens! You tell yourself every day that you are worth more, and if a man cannot accept you for what you have to offer they’re not the one. Compromise is wanting a weekend in New York and getting LA, compromise is a man not holding your hand but touching your fingers and making you tingle as you walk.
Compromise is not you making all the moves!
You want to be proactive, get your lip gloss out and feel confident in your own skin. Learn to love yourself more, all women are beautiful and if men do not notice this then they are not worth noticing.
So this weekend ….. Just be yourself x
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